And the Dust settles

You don’t know this, but I had every intention in writing in this journal every week. This blog/journal/thingy was meant for 3 things:

1. Accountability: I was going to use this per week to hold myself accountable to continuing my journey in tech, in code, in being someone who was staying on the path to reaching a better career. I look back at that idea and think,” Well that got borked.”
2. Goal Setting: By having a blog I was going to write in weekly (twice a week actually), I was going to develop the habit of setting a goal at the beginning of the week, probably Sunday or Monday, and then discuss my progress throughout the week on Friday or Saturday. In this case, I can have some sort of …. verbal, written down, mental reminder/progress note of what the hell I was doing and how far I got. Fun fact: while I can be a self-starter when others are around, on my own, I’m pretty trash.
3. Progression: I suppose this goes with bullets 1 and 2, but again, having something for me to read at where my head was at when I did something and how I solved it is important to me. Its still important to me. Unfortunately, as stated in bullet 2, without external notice, I’m pretty trash at accountability.

So why now? Why am I back? What’s changed and how is it all going to improve.

Wellll….. lemme answer the first two questions.

Why now? Because I choose to. I want to.

Why am I back? Because I’m pissed with where I am financially, professionally, and personally. I get it. Tech is big money. But its also big competition and big burnout. To be frank, I didn’t know what a FANG was when I was in boot camp, let alone before entering boot camp, and even after I graduated boot camp, I still didn’t care about getting into boot camp. I just wanted something that didn’t deal with mental health, menial pay, and pointless work and hours. I wanted something that was mine.

Being a web developer, a freelancer, would be something that was mine.

And yet…. it was not so.

For the next 2 years, I got dusted. Regardless of passion, I lacked direction and discipline. Regardless of experience, i lacked expertise and credentials. Looking back, i realize I became something I always idolized.

I am a ronin. A masterless samurai. And lets be clear, being a ronin is neither good nor bad. But its not what I want, nor where I want, to be.

Question two: What’s changed? How is it all gonna be better? Tbh, I have no idea. I’d like to believe me writing and publishing this on a Friday (a review day) means I’m trying to make this work. If I have to admit change, then I will admit that I want the skills I worked so hard to get to not goto waste. I want to understand code in a manner that allows me to teach it to others. I don’t want to be a cog in a machine. I want to be a book, a guide, a font of knowledge and direction. I want to be a breeze the pushes and a hurricane that destroys, encouraging challenge and rebirth. I want what I wasn’t given: support, direction, accountability, and realistic success. Because looking around right now, i’m sure as hell I dont, nor do others, have what I want.

Anyways, its late. This got preachy, but I accomplished what I wanted to do: a review, a declaration, and an entrance.

I reviewed that in the last year and couple months, i didn’t get to where I wanted to be.

I’m declaring, right now, I have a drive, a small fire, a push, do change that.

This entry is an entrance, a grandstand showing of accountability.

Next, to chart what I’m going to do, what I’m going to learn, and what I’m going to make.

…. jfc this is alot of work.

Anyways. Signing off. > theresidenttrex